Changing My Life, One Vulnerable Moment at a Time

Jumping on mountainIs it just me or is vulnerability everywhere? Of course, I am speaking of the word – not necessarily the action. I keep hearing the word, vulnerable; so, either this recurrence is a signal to me of what I need to work on in my personal life (and it is!) or evidence that our cultural awareness of vulnerability is increasing (probably true too). Even with increased consciousness, we may not be noticing the every day opportunities for vulnerability in our lives.

By definition, being vulnerable is being capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt. It can also look like being open to moral attack or criticism. When I first heard Brene’ Brown’s TED talk on ‘The Power of Vulnerability’, it resonated so clearly within me. It felt as though she was speaking directly to me. I just knew Brene’ and I were destined to be best of friends because she obviously got me. I must not have been the only one, as that particular TED talk has now been viewed close to 4 million times.

Knowing about vulnerability and its importance and putting it into practice are two very different things. Admittedly, I talk with my clients on a regular basis about the need and struggle to be open to exposure (and possible hurts) in relationships, forgiveness, new experiences and growth areas. However, I personally struggle with opening myself up and being vulnerable. I don’t venture out of my comfort zone as much as I could. On the flip side, there have been times I have purposefully tried to be more vulnerable with friends, family or church members, and it seemed my listeners may have been slightly uncomfortable with the idea of vulnerability as well. Many of them instantly went into “fix it” mode. With awareness of my own struggles, I can definitely have grace for this, but it doesn’t produce eagerness within me to try it again. Vulnerability isn’t brokenness that needs to be fixed. It isn’t a state of being that needs apology. It is being real about our hopes, dreams and personal struggles. Instead of running from the uncomfortable feelings generated by such realness, we deal with those feelings in a way that promotes personal growth.

I ask my kids to express vulnerability frequently. Whether they are entirely comfortable with it or not, they are encouraged to make new friends, go to a new school, a new classroom and/or try new hobbies and sports. I use to do more of that myself, but when did it stop? Why did it stop? Had I decided living in my comfort bubble was my life long dream or had I given up on dreams for the sake of safety?

I was already pondering this idea when I was fortunate enough to hear Trevor Ragan speak at my kids’ school this week. Mr. Ragan of trainugly.com was, no kidding, speaking about this very topic and how we can use it to influence our children’s learning. (I told you I’m hearing it everywhere!) You should check out Mr. Ragan’s website and the work he does not just with schools but famous athletes and corporations. His message (in a nutshell)– to exponentially move forward, humans need a growth mindset. With a growth mindset, we care more about our own growth, development and improvement than how we look to others. Within this way of living, one will encounter moments of vulnerability because growing and learning can be “ugly”. We won’t have it all figured out, we will make mistakes and we will probably encounter the “f” word a few times…failure.

Another interesting point highlighted by Trevor Ragan’s work was how one might, over time, develop a more fixed mindset instead of a growth mindset. When we praise our kids for their results and achievements instead of their efforts – we set them up to be afraid of not receiving the same results the next time, afraid of letting us down and afraid of failing. Therefore, they will learn to play it safe. We are also helping them become more other focused rather than learning to take personal responsibility for their growth.

And there was my aha moment. I can clearly see how this may have played out in my life. Well meaning adults had offered me praise for my achievements (which was nice and felt great) but I had been the kid that decided to play it safe. For very valid reasons, I emotionally needed the praise and felt the risk of criticism would be too great. So now, as an adult, I am slowly learning how to abandon my need for other-validation and express vulnerability…admit my inadequacies. I am learning how to care more about my personal growth and fixate less on what others may or may not think of me.

In the end, I cannot simultaneously live my best life and stay in my comfort zone. Whether in my career, parenting, relationships, sports or hobbies, I get a choice to continue my fear based living or push past. I might fail (a few times), but I might experience something far greater than anything I had ever hoped or imagined.

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